3102 Stories

I grew up in a loving family with two siblings and amazing parents who provided opportunities for us and enabled us to pursue our passions. I had a solid foundational understanding of Christianity having grown up in the church, but I was twenty years old before I ever heard the phrase “relationship with Jesus”. 

The behavior and actions of the first twenty years of my life were primarily driven by a desire to feel seen, wanted, and loved, rooted deeply in a lie that the Lord would later reveal. The years leading up to my salvation were spent seeking validation in friendships, relationships, sports, academics, often feeling like I could never quite cut it. Eventually, my sophomore year of college, I encountered a hard experience that completely shattered my world as I knew it. This led to about nine months of the lowest point in my life where I was without hope and making reckless decisions fogged by drunken nights. 

The summer between my sophomore and junior year of college was spent in my hometown. My sister lived in the next town over and I would frequently visit her throughout the summer because we were anxiously awaiting the arrival of their sweet baby girl. One visit while on a walk, I was sharing with her how low I was feeling, the hurt I had experienced a few months prior, and the impact it was having on me. At that point, she was about six months into her new relationship with Jesus and was eager to share the Gospel with me. She could see how lost I was, and having experienced the salvation of Jesus, she knew He wanted the same for me. The conversation didn’t last long because I essentially told her, “That’s great for you, but I’m not interested. I trust that God knows what I need to heal, but I’m pretty upset at Him and I don’t even want to pray to Him. Don’t talk about Jesus with me again.”

A couple of months later, I started my junior year of college, continuing the destructive patterns I was living the prior semester. I returned home for winter break and by this time, I had a brand new baby niece! Each Tuesday evening, I would spend the night at my sister’s so that every Wednesday, I could enjoy taking care of my niece and admiring her preciousness. On Tuesday evenings, my sister and her family would go to their pastor’s house for fellowship and life group. I didn’t know what this “life group” thing was, but if my niece was going to be there, then count me in. Plus, I got a free, home-cooked meal! 

I quickly discovered this was a group that loves reading the Bible and talking about Jesus - two things that were very foreign to me. I remember feeling surprised to hear people talk about Jesus with such enthusiasm and a true admiration of Him because that was never anything I had witnessed in my life. I was intrigued and curious, and found myself longing to have that same desire for Jesus. It was a familiar feeling from an experience in middle school at LifeLight with two friends. A man, with hands stretched high in the air and tears running down his face, was worshiping with Chris Tomlin as he sang “Indescribable”. I remember thinking, “This guy really loves God. I wonder what that feels like. I wonder if I could ever feel what he is feeling.”

Those Tuesday evenings quickly turned into Sunday mornings, and each week I would drive to town for church on Sunday and return Tuesday evening for life group. The final Sunday sermon I attended before returning to school for spring semester, the pastor was preaching on being all in for Christ, explaining that you can be all in or not in at all, but you have to choose because there is no luke-warm. He ended the message by asking a critical question, “Are you all in for Christ?” It was in that moment that I not only realized my need for Jesus, but also my eternal destination if I did not make a choice to be all in for Christ.

January 7th, 2014, the Tuesday after that sermon, I chose to be all in for Christ.

Following that decision, Jesus completely broke some of the chains that were weighing me down. He changed my desires and priorities and aligned my heart with His heart. He breathed life into me and became my Source for living. The fullness that comes from Christ cannot be obtained any other way. Jesus says, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life” (John 3:16), and when you surrender your heart to Him, you will experience that. 

I can see Him in my story long before I ever knew Him. I can see how He was drawing Himself near to me and calling me long before I ever recognized His voice. He was calling me that night at LifeLight as I watched, in awe, that man worshiping Jesus and wondering if I could ever love Jesus like he does. He was calling me when I was in the lowest point of my life making reckless decisions. He was calling me when He planted the desire in my heart that winter break to continue going back to that life group. Ten years later, He is still drawing near to me and calling me back to Him when I wander. He is faithful, he never leaves or forsakes us, and He wants deep intimacy with us because He love us more than we could ever imagine.

In recent years, God has revealed a deep lie that I have believed most of my life: No one can be trusted, and I am the only person I can rely on. After that revelation, He gently revealed to me how that lie translates into my belief about Him and how that impacts my relationship with Him. By believing this lie, I’m essentially saying that I do not, and cannot, trust that God loves me, wants me, desires me, meets my every need, and knows me better than anyone. Woof, right? This is the omnipresent God of the Universe (Hebrews 11:3). This is the God who rose Jesus from the dead (Matthew 28:6). This is the God who tells the wind to blow and the seas to calm (Psalm 65:7). This is the God who tells the clouds when to release rain; who tells the sun when to set and rise. This is the God who knew me before I was made (Jeremiah 1:5); who knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13); who designed me with intention and purpose. This is the God who calls me His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10); the God who says “You are mine” (Isaiah 43:1) and wants His best for me. 

Doesn’t it sound counterintuitive to have a surrendered life to Christ, have assurance of salvation, love Jesus, desire a deeper and more intimate relationship with Him, and yet not believe that He can be trusted or that He cares? This is a conundrum that has left me feeling frustrated in my relationship with Jesus, lately. I have a deep desire for more intimacy with Him and recognize the lack of trust in Him caring prevents me from going deeper with Him. 

It’s easy to feel shame because I love Jesus, so shouldn’t that mean I also trust Him? Shame doesn’t come from the Lord, though. So, although this is hard, there is sweetness in it. In my shame and doubt, God is revealing Himself to me and pulling this lie out of the darkness. He doesn’t want us to feel shame; He wants us to be free! By Him revealing this, He is making His presence known in this struggle, and “…where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Corinthians 3:17). 

All scripture is God-breathed (2 Timothy 3:16-17) and all scripture is Truth (Psalm 119:160). Because of that, I can be confident in who God says He is, and I can be confident in who God says I am, even if I don’t feel it. Sometimes, we need to choose to believe God’s Truth even when we don’t feel it, and ask Him to help our unbelief (Mark 9:24). That is what I’m doing in this season, and I have confidence that God will come through because He says, “You will seek Me and you will find Me when you seek Me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13). He is faithful and He never stops pursuing us.